Bon anniversaire, Dominique. Will you be at home this evening if I stop by to offer special greetings in person? Perhaps you'll cook for me like you did at La Lanterne. Make sure you have plenty of butter....

Joyeux anniversaire, Dominique. Je ... well, you know without my saying it, don't you?

Enough is enough! Haven't the British papers anything better to do than publish stories about us?!

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/europe/article6168701.ece

Perhaps you and Jacques can have adjoining cells.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/france/5230044/Jacques-Chirac-could-face-embezzlement-trial.html

Merde! Merdemerdemerdemerdemerde!!!!!!!!!!!

Dominique, if I find out you're behind this breakin or any of the others, Clearstream is going to seem like one of your Alpine picnics with Silvio compared to what's in store for you! I'm warning you!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1174221/Highly-intimate-photos-video-Carla-Bruni-ex-lover-stolen-Paris-flat.html

I haven't posted here for a long time, but, unlike Dominique, who, when he's not talking to prosecutors, has lots of free time, I have been busy with the following:

• running the country (France)


• my beautiful young wife (use your imagination)


• planning my new royal palace (Sarko I sounds nice!)


• personally saving Ingrid Betancourt singlehandedly (Super Sarko to the rescue!)


• NOT breaking into my dead dear opponent Ségolène's house to intimidate her (why waste my time on such a has-been?)


• thinking of new ways to revive my brilliant plans for world domination the Mediterranean Union despite the jealous opposition of that woman in Berlin, whose country won't be allowed to join. (but now the EU is mine, and I can do whatever I want with it, so there, Angie!)

More later but Carlita is calling.

I've been trying to think of a way of thanking you for that oh-so-amusing April Fool's Day post you wrote in my name.  Carlita and I read it in bed as we were relaxing from ... other things.  (She says to tell you, by the way, that you should make an appointment to have your vision checked, because clearly you have a problem judging the true size of things.)

In any case, mon cher ami, I came across an article in an old issue of the Financial Times that I thought might interest you, since it talks about the special friendship between two of your favourite politicians.  The writer of course says it's business ties that link them, but perhaps there's more to it than that.  What do you think?

Hello. My name is Nicolas Sarkozy. I am a very irritating short little man. I am useless in bed and have a very very tiny thingie. The only thing I can do well is commit treachery. In fact I am very good at that.

Recently I have become aware that my qualities and qualifications (I was too stupid to go to the ENA) make me unsuited for the post of President of La Republique. I am now resigning. I do not intend to call an election. Instead I will hand the job over to my ex-friend Dominique, whom I wicked and callously betrayed, and if it weren't for that treachery, I'm sure he would have had the job anyway. I also want to apologize to Dominique for persecuting him in Clearstream. In truth I love you, my friend, but persecution and hatred was the only way for me to deal with my unrequited lust for you.

I would also like to apologize to Carla for not being able to satisfy her in bed because I have such a tiny thingie.

That is all.

Yours sincerely,



Nicolas Sarkozy

You're going to Lagos, Dominique, to speak at an awards ceremony? Nigeria is suspiciously close to Chad, wouldn't you agree? I hope you aren't planning anything that the government will later have to disavow. No one's forgotten your little stunt concerning Ingrid, you know.

I see that THISDAY ONLINE gives you all of three sentences, while John Howard gets ... well, look for yourself. Not very flattering, is it? Do you think you're already being forgotten?

Mother, please. This kind of thing isn't particularly helpful. Don't you know how people are going to seize on it and use it to ridicule me?

And another thing. Just when did I become your favourite son?