• running the country (France)


• my beautiful young wife (use your imagination)


• planning my new royal palace (Sarko I sounds nice!)


• personally saving Ingrid Betancourt singlehandedly (Super Sarko to the rescue!)


• NOT breaking into my dead dear opponent Ségolène's house to intimidate her (why waste my time on such a has-been?)


• thinking of new ways to revive my brilliant plans for world domination the Mediterranean Union despite the jealous opposition of that woman in Berlin, whose country won't be allowed to join. (but now the EU is mine, and I can do whatever I want with it, so there, Angie!)

Proving once again that I'm a bigger man than you are (and you can take it any way you like *smirk*), let me add my wishes for a Joyeux Anniversaire! to the others you've already received.  I suppose you're planning a day en famille with Marie-Laure and the children, but why don't you stop by the Elysée later this evening and we'll toast your health with champagne.  Tell Marie-Laure we have things to discuss (the word "Clearstream" ought to do it), and plan to stay the night.  There are bedrooms to spare here, as you well know.  

Putin has humiliated you, and Berlusconi's far away.  Come and test yourself against me, mon cher, mon frère.

Just because I haven't posted recently doesn't mean that all of you, all my dear friends and well-wishers (*twisted smile*) aren't often in my thoughts.  Dominique, at the very least, deserves special notice for the role he's undertaken (unasked) as my conscience.  (I look forward to a long, forceful, intimate discussion with you about this, mon cher ami.)  Of course, some people would say Dominique's really in no position to pontificate on any one else, given his own personal and professional record, but I'm not going to get into that here.  Just remember, cher ami, people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

As for my marriage, all of you vultures can just go fuck yourselves find something else to worry about.  Let's see, there's the Russian and Iranian presidents making nice together.  Or how about Turkey thinking about invading Iraq?  Maybe we all should be worrying about what happens if Turkey moves against the Kurds and George has to choose between two allies. 

Sochi?  Sochi?!?  I don't believe it.  Who did you have to bribe, Vlad, and how much did it cost you?

Dieu!  Maybe I should find places for both of you in my government so you'd have something useful to do instead of spending your time inventing more and more outrageous lies.  The pair of you are worse than Louis!

Ségolène, I can categorically state that if you or anyone else holding a whip, riding crop, or blindfold cornered Dominique, any fantasies of a sexual encounter romantic interlude  would soon disappear.  Believe me, you don't want to see what would happen.  You're like a little child paddling happily in the water, not realising that a crocodile is lying at the bottom of the pool, just waiting to be awakened by your splashing.  Maybe you should come pay me a visit at the Elysée one day and take a tour of one or two of the lesser-known ... special-purpose ... rooms that Jacques had fitted out.  

As for you, Dominique, you're as much of a liar as she is.  The shower, mon cher ami?  Somehow I don't think so. 

All right, go ahead and laugh at the bits you think are funny.  (Ségolène and Dominique, this means you.)  But just remember that as of tomorrow I'll be sitting in the Elysée with France's nuclear codes, and you won't.  *takes deep breath and hits "Post"*

Angie, I hope you weren't too upset that Tony paid me a courtesy call before you and I had a chance to meet.  I know that traditionally the new French president meets the German chancellor before any other European leader, but I really felt I had no choice.  The poor man had finally just announced the date of his departure, and I think he was feeling a little desperate to show that he still mattered had some influence.  He practically begged to see me, so how could I be cruel and deny him?  In any case, I knew I'd be seeing you on Wednesday, just as soon as I'm sure Jacques has vacated the Elysée and of course we'll be working closely together for years to come.